Part, the tenth. In which we get positive…no, negative…no, positive…news.

My wife got an interview. Yay! Then not so yay. They got confused between two applications and interviewed her for the wrong job, which didn’t help us a lot.

I got a reply from a job in Zurich that I enquired about and which had closed before I heard about it. They got back to me to get me to lodge an application as it has been declared open again. Now I wait with bated breath and the tension increases daily, nay hourly.

Got rejected for the Seychelles job, apparently they found someone local and are not proceeding with overseas applicants…sob…I can’t pretend I wouldn’t have liked that job.

However, on a brighter note I became secretary of the local society of editors. Now I can dream of my ascent to world domination. First a swift attack on Poland, through the Low Countries and then Paris…what could stop me?

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Part, the ninth. Yet more rejection.

Sigh… “After careful consideration of all applications, we regret to advise you that we will not be progressing your application on this occasion.” Does this imply they would progress this on another occasion? In what possible circumstances would there be another occasion? Considering that this was a response from a university they obviously didn’t consult with the Physics Department over the apparent unidirectionality of time.

Anyway, this job was in the next suburb from our house, hardly an exotic destination. So, what can I say? I didn’t want the job anyway. You could ask why I applied then…hmm…can’t think of a logically consistent answer to that, so I exercise my right not to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me. Maybe I have a future in politics, I just need to master talking crap so that it sounds meaningful. Now I’ve hit on the problem – sincerity, excess thereof.


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Part, the eighth. In which I sleep in on a Monday morning.

Aaah, Monday morning and I don’t even have to get out of bed… if I feel so inclined. I think I will though, it just doesn’t feel right snoozing while most good people are slaving away. So all of you who are filled with envy can allow your blood to go off the boil.

I might just start to write up some old data now that I have time. Who said unemployment sucked?

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Part, the seventh. In which all is quiet on the Western Front. Hang on, that all ended badly didn’t it?

Nothing to report. No rejections – no acceptances.

I think I know how this works: I am in employment Purgatory, whence (after appropriate levels of pain and torture, designed to purify my imperfect employee soul) I will eventually be allowed to ascend to the light and perfect peace of Paradise. There I shall fan the face of Ergos – the god of full employment – eat dates and sing his praises for all eternity. Bliss. It’s bringing tears to my eyes.

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Part, the sixth. In which I am deeply wounded.

I got my first rejection today, sniff. Those bastards at Thomson-Reuters wouldn’t know if their arse was on fire – no, they would – they just couldn’t find the seat of the fire. HO HO. Now I feel much better. Here is the only remotely related photo I could find representing the arse of Thomson-Reuters (this is of course loaded with symbolism, if you have any idea what it is then drop me a line and let me know too)…

Arse on fire

Now I shall take my injured pride and go back to my applications, and Judge Judy of course.

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Part, the fifth. In which the axe falls.

Today was my last day. It took me so much longer than I had expected to pack my office up – all my papers and precious items (Thai tuk-tuk made out of beer can, lucky Chinese waving cat etc).

At my wife’s suggestion, I wore the regulation uniform today: loudest Hawaiian shirt, long khaki shorts, hat, imitation floral lei and coconut with straw. There’s no point going on a long ‘holiday’ if you’re not dressed for it.

Now that I’m unemployed I don’t feel any different. Nah, I’m kidding I feel great! I am going to miss the people I worked with though.

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Part, the fourth. In which I continue to apply, myself.

My list of job applications continues to grow. So far I have nine applications in for jobs in Perth, the Seychelles, Turkey, Brazil and Switzerland. My next one to fill out is in Samoa and this has a certain amount of appeal. I’ve never been there but I’m sure parts of it must look like this:

The reason I haven’t got any beach attached to the coconut palms is because there wasn’t any, just red dirt. Nowhere near as inspiring as sun-drenched white sand and pina coladas in hand, sun sinking slowly into the subtropical twilight as the moon rises over the atoll. Somewhere in the distance a lone bird cries and the smoke from the campfire wafts gently on the breeze. This job just sounds better and better, though I don’t think I noticed any of this in the job description form. Better stop now while I’m all inspired and fill out my application.

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